Well for anyone still reading....HI!
I guess it's hard to keep up a blog once you have Facebook. I mean, you can just write what you're feeling there, right? Well, sometimes I just can't. I have so many clients on my wall and I love that, but it means I just don't want to share some things sometimes...but I need to get them out. And, I know some check this blog and I'm grateful for that...no idea why I feel like THIS is more private, which I know sounds totally stupid!

Anyway, 2014 here is and I am excited to turn 50. I really don't feel 50, honestly...I feel better and happier than I did at 20 or 30 or even 40. I mean, we're heading to Maui to celebrate 15 years of marriage AND my birthday-who am I to complain or be hesitant?? NO ONE.  I'm very thankful for all that but I guess 50 makes me think, not the way you might imagine though. Many people start to question their lives at 50, have a mid-life crisis or make a big change...I don't feel the need to do anything like that. I feel responsibility...

I know what you're thinking...well you're 50, you're a grown up and you SHOULD feel responsible. Right, but I've ALWAYS been responsible (first born, type A, teacher's pet, safety girl, yada yada). No, this is different.

See, my Dad didn't get to BE 50. And it's truly impossible for me not to think about this as I am poised to turn 50. Since I turned 47(the age at which my Dad passed away), I have finished my THR surgeries, taken care of a 'lady' surgery I needed to stop another issue I was having and I've been able to workout harder than ever before, my business has grown, my husband and I have grown closer and enjoyed traveling together and raising Lilly and we've been able to help family members in a way we always wanted to. I feel accomplished, goal oriented and happily settled. I have dreams of things I want to do and I know I can get them done! I just feel a little responsible to live the life I know he would want me to live.

When my Dad passed, he was not physically well, he was drifting a bit in his personal life (as a man, not as a Father) and was far from his family (my Uncle and his kids and our extended family in Millis). He had given up his career, partially because of an accident but also because of my Mom moving us (I really believe illegally) to MT and my Dad just refused to allow her to move us far enough away for him to see us all the time. I know he was under tremendous stress and worry. And then he died. I know he had dreams and goals too and he didn't get to accomplish those things. I know he wanted to see us all live close together, to BE close and enjoy traveling and having fun together. He was a family man and he wanted us all to be together.

I guess I'm just always going to wonder what he'd think, what he'd say about my choices and my life and what advice he'd give me on my goals and dreams. I mean, I know he'd support me in all things...I guess turning 50 just makes me miss him even more, if that's possible...which I honestly think it can't be possible because I've missed him like crazy every single day since 12/21/80. 

So, as I turn 50 this year I'm not overly worried about my health (though I do keep a close eye on it and get ALL my checkups, as I should and I'm not even concerned about my first colonoscopy), or having a mid-life crisis (I don't really believe in those...) and I do not feel 'old' (because I think it's a state of mind and to those always calling themselves old-shut up already). I guess I just wish I was 16 again (and not for the reason YOU think) and was working in the drive-thru at McD's 6-11pm shift with my Dad sitting in the dining room for the last hour of my shift, drinking coffee and reading and waiting for me to get off work so he could follow me home to my Mom's and make sure I was ok. He did that every week, because that was my shift Friday and Saturday nights. He knew I didn't NEED him to be there and follow me, it was just his way of being close to me and spending time...just letting me know he was THERE. And, it's funny to think of as an adult now, but as a teenager it NEVER bothered me, I loved it. I think most teenagers would be like, "Dad really?" Not me, I was so happy he was there...

And while I do feel a bit more wise than I was at 16, I still wish I had my Daddy here to hug me and fix everything. So, to all of you who still have your Dads in your life (my Dad would be 81)-be patient with him as an old man, listen when he tells you stories, spend time with him even if you're busy and know how lucky you are that you don't have to feel like I do-like there's a piece of your heart missing that will never be filled.

I know I'm always going to have moments like this and I know milestone birthdays can be hard-but, honestly, other than missing my Dad a whole lot more, I'm really looking forward to this milestone and I plan to kick 50's ASS!