A letter to the new Jazz owner I was 20 years ago...

Hello to anyone still reading...
On the occasion of our 20th Open House, this weekend, I wanted to write a letter to my 'new owner' self, 20 years ago...


Dear A,
Well, it's been a whirlwind few months hasn't it? You've gotten certified to teach J, gone to the fabulous worldwide convention at the home office in San Diego with your BFF and decided to open classes in a church in Westford. You fielded calls from interested people while in San Diego and K and G bought a new house too.
Classes are going ok and I know you're really excited and nervous about your first Open House this weekend. I promise it's going to go well and you're going to be amazed, 20 years from now that, yes, you are STILL in business, yes, you are bigger and better than before and, yes, in fact you've left the church space for a great storefront where you've grown far past your imagination today.
I know it's tough having to set up all the equipment every time you teach. I know having 2 inches of Xmas tree needles on the floor, less than 1 hour before a big Saturday class isn't your idea of fun but, you will get them cleaned up (thanks Mista) and you will get through getting moved across the street to a smaller room for every scout meeting and church event. You will teach to more than 10 people one day and, yes, you will get to stop wearing thong leotards in the future.
I know that every day you dream of having your own space, where you can add classes whenever you want, set it up to feel welcoming and professional and NOT have to change your schedule for anyone, unless you really want to. I know you're scared, hoping people will come and will one day like your classes as much as they like K's. And, yes, one day you will have a full staff of instructors to help you and finally take a sick day and a vacation. (and find an amazing husband to share your life with...but I digress)
Things will be tough at times, but you will prove tougher than your toughest opponent. You will be respected in the District and, one day, everyone will come to you for advice. Some will take it, some won't. They'll talk about you behind your back, they'll underestimate you-but you will prevail. You will make the place you always wanted-it will be clique FREE, everyone will feel welcomed and you will train 36 amazing women to teach this program. You will pay forward everything you've been given and continue, long after that debt is paid, just because it feels that good to do it.
You will be challenged by difficult customers and staff, but you will lead with strength but fairness and, in the end, you will do it right.
You will prove every one of your doubters wrong. You will meet amazing people, you will get to see them realize that their health is their wealth and you will have a hand in helping them realize it.
You will become the special Auntie to two amazing children and watch them grow up.
You will conquer the fears in your life and finally get to teach, pain free, after over 10 years in ridiculous pain from congenitally bad hips. It will be easy-because you're fit because of J.  That will be another lesson you can pass on to your clients and you will.
You will still work hard every day like it's today-like it's the first day of your first Open House. But it will be worth it. Don't stop. Don't give up, don't give in. Push the boundaries, color outside the lines, challenge convention. Never forget where you came from.
So, take K's hand and jump into the future. It's bright, I promise. You can do it. You will live the poster that graced your wall at home, long before you had a Center wall to put it on...
They will tell you that you can't
Show them that you can
They will tell you that you won't
Show them that you will
They will tell you it's impossible
Prove them wrong.
You did. You are and you will.
Love,
A

50 is the new 50

Dear 25 year old me,

Well, it's certainly been a bumpy ride lately-divorce, moving into a tiny apartment with your brother, getting laid off a ton of times while every Company in America merges, counting change to buy the essentials, making it on your own, not moving back in with your Mom because you're stubborn enough and audacious enough to think you can do this on your own. Some days (lots) are long and scary and lonely. It's going to get a little worse before it gets better but, hang in there, better days are coming. One day, everything you dream will come to you. (Just like that Disney ad...)

In the next 25 years...

Your brother will move back out West to find his way and you'll get a crazy roommate and, thankfully, get rid of her, meet your best friend (another crazy ride but, in the end, worth it), become a Jazzercise instructor after losing 90lbs, open your own business, meet an amazing man, get married, meet thousands of amazing people and have a hand in changing their lives. You will pay it forward to 36 women, mentoring them to become instructors too and build a dream team of 17 instructors, 15 to help you and your friend in your business. You'll get to take a vacation after working your ASS off for 10 years-again, totally worth it. You will not be counting change to pay for the essentials, you'll learn you had a birth defect that caused you pain, almost robbing you of the job you love, you'll get that surgically fixed, breeze through surgery for that (thanks Jazzercise) and one more thing...finally finding out why you could never have kids. You will get to visit Hawaii to celebrate feeling better at 50 than you do now, promise.

You will be able to help people the way you were never helped. You will remember how it feels right now to feel alone and lost and not know what the future will bring and you will reach out to people and help them NOT feel that way, every chance you get.

You will be misunderstood, underestimated and hurt, but you will remain strong and focused. 

You will get to watch two cool kids be born and become a special part of their lives. You will work harder than you ever thought possible, then work harder still, but it will bring you rewards you never imagined. You will reunite with your Dad's family, be welcomed in like no time has passed and be able to hold your Uncle's hand as he lives his last few days-more importantly letting him know you love him and then be able to be there for your aunt and cousins. 

Other family will disappoint, but you will gain a closer relationship with your brother, see him get married and be able to give him a canine baby-you'll have two canine girls who you love more than anything, lose one to cancer and experience one of the darkest days of your life. 

You will laugh again, promise.

The struggle you feel right now, at 25, will slowly disappear as the future unfolds, the question of 'will this ever get any easier?' will be answered. 

You will build a small circle of good people who make this struggle worth getting through. (You know who you are...)

You will mean what you say and say what you mean. You will be a woman of action. You will keep your promises. You have learned a lot but still know there's a lot left to learn.

You will realize you raised yourself and did a damn good job. You will have a loud voice, a tough exterior and a soft interior and not apologize for it. 

So, 25 year old me...hang in there, don't give up, don't quit. You've got a long life to live and it's a good life so hang on and enjoy the ride of the next 25 years! Love you!

Deep breathes

Well heellloooo to anyone still reading...

I'm posting because it's been a helluva couple weeks and it's tough putting this kind of stuff on FB, plus, I don't want to clog folks timelines with this long rant...

First, we had the weeks long 'marriage license caper'...wherein getting married in a 3rd world Country makes getting your marriage license copy next to impossible and/or really friggin hard. We did get it, and ultimately did have the original, put in a safe place by Hubs 15 years ago. I never even knew we got it on our wedding day, but was glad to locate it for health insurance verification!

Second, I experienced a loss of someone I thought was a friend, or at least part of my Jazzerfamily..and it sucks. 

I try very hard to be good to our staff and our clients every day. I know, after 20 years of experience, I cannot make everyone happy, but I do my best. People grow, change and move on and I really enjoy seeing that and being a little part of it. I've known a lot of young ladies since HS and college and seeing them graduate, work on their careers, become married ladies and have kids is one of the most fun parts of my job (especially given that I was never able to have kids of my own). I've had a couple experiences where, when folks need to move on or have a major life change, they are adverse to that change (even though it may really be positive) and they handle it really badly. In fact, I've been cursed out (both in private and in front of customers), had threatening mail and emails sent to me (real police involved threats) and lots of lies spread around about both my actions and my character. I've endured, unwelcome visits to my facility, intimidation of my instructors, rude behavior, name calling, calls to Corporate, stalking behavior, bigotry, anti-semitism...All that said, this last week takes the cake. 

You know, you think after 10 years you know someone, but you don't in some cases. You go out of your way to make that person's life easier where you're involved and think you're doing your best. You overlook snide comments and rude behavior and make excuses for this person-stressed, tired, lots going on, when, really, there's NO excuse for their actions. They hold themselves up like they're so charitable, caring, etc. but they truly ONLY think of themselves...all the damn time. 

And rude? The rudest.

But, still, you love them and you look at yourself, you're certainly NOT perfect (speaking of myself here), you have your own moments, and can also be tough at times. And, you shouldn't qualify caring about someone, you gotta take the whole package, especially if you live by the 'treat others the way you want to be treated' rule, so, you let it go. You let it go when they make a REALLY snide comment during a BIG event in front of your clients, you ignore the obvious lying, you play down the mean girl comments to co-workers...none of which you should have ignored. Why do SOME people get a pass? They shouldn't. And, you don't listen to the ONE person who saw through it all from day 1, even though she is clearly RIGHT...

Maybe this wouldn't have happened if I'd addressed it from day 1, when I recognized the lying, which came out of nowhere and was for something of NO consequence. Maybe it wouldn't have happened if I called this person on her 'mean girl' behavior with co-workers...so I take my part of the blame.

BUT, not the part of the blame thrust upon me, 10000000% inappropriately by said person, on a topic I have literally nothing to do with yet am blamed for so this person can try and dodge responsibility, which, by the way, didn't work. Do she think everyone but her is stupid?

It's called a total lack of personal responsibility. She has none and you know why? Because we all gave her a pass. Oh that's just her or, she's stressed or she has a lot going on. Well, F*ck, so do the rest of, oh, EVERYBODY. Who isn't stressed, tired or has a lot going on??? Anyone? Buehler?

So, I found out last week that I was wrong, I didn't know this person. She thinks it's perfectly ok to treat people rudely, believe the sun revolves around her and also believe that she alone is stressed, tired or has too much going on in life. She believes she's the only one who has EVER dealt with a life change or a job change and everyone should just bend to her will and attitude because of it. SHE is the center of everyone's universe, someone who's mood can bring down an entire room when she enters.

Well, here's a news flash...you are NOT the center of the universe and I'm here to tell you that. Someone should have told you NO a few times in your life so you'd be more caring of others' time and   feelings. I don't care about your feelings any longer and YOU did that with your lies and your inexcusable behavior. You're a grown ass woman and you should know better. Do you honestly think it's ok to act like this? Because it's not, especially at your age. 

I gave you respect, love and care but, no more, and when you blame someone, look in the mirror. Oh and as you continue to talk about me behind my back, make sure you're accurate because no one is falling for your crap.

Oh and the warrant you spoke about, consider this it.

Well for anyone still reading....HI!
I guess it's hard to keep up a blog once you have Facebook. I mean, you can just write what you're feeling there, right? Well, sometimes I just can't. I have so many clients on my wall and I love that, but it means I just don't want to share some things sometimes...but I need to get them out. And, I know some check this blog and I'm grateful for that...no idea why I feel like THIS is more private, which I know sounds totally stupid!

Anyway, 2014 here is and I am excited to turn 50. I really don't feel 50, honestly...I feel better and happier than I did at 20 or 30 or even 40. I mean, we're heading to Maui to celebrate 15 years of marriage AND my birthday-who am I to complain or be hesitant?? NO ONE.  I'm very thankful for all that but I guess 50 makes me think, not the way you might imagine though. Many people start to question their lives at 50, have a mid-life crisis or make a big change...I don't feel the need to do anything like that. I feel responsibility...

I know what you're thinking...well you're 50, you're a grown up and you SHOULD feel responsible. Right, but I've ALWAYS been responsible (first born, type A, teacher's pet, safety girl, yada yada). No, this is different.

See, my Dad didn't get to BE 50. And it's truly impossible for me not to think about this as I am poised to turn 50. Since I turned 47(the age at which my Dad passed away), I have finished my THR surgeries, taken care of a 'lady' surgery I needed to stop another issue I was having and I've been able to workout harder than ever before, my business has grown, my husband and I have grown closer and enjoyed traveling together and raising Lilly and we've been able to help family members in a way we always wanted to. I feel accomplished, goal oriented and happily settled. I have dreams of things I want to do and I know I can get them done! I just feel a little responsible to live the life I know he would want me to live.

When my Dad passed, he was not physically well, he was drifting a bit in his personal life (as a man, not as a Father) and was far from his family (my Uncle and his kids and our extended family in Millis). He had given up his career, partially because of an accident but also because of my Mom moving us (I really believe illegally) to MT and my Dad just refused to allow her to move us far enough away for him to see us all the time. I know he was under tremendous stress and worry. And then he died. I know he had dreams and goals too and he didn't get to accomplish those things. I know he wanted to see us all live close together, to BE close and enjoy traveling and having fun together. He was a family man and he wanted us all to be together.

I guess I'm just always going to wonder what he'd think, what he'd say about my choices and my life and what advice he'd give me on my goals and dreams. I mean, I know he'd support me in all things...I guess turning 50 just makes me miss him even more, if that's possible...which I honestly think it can't be possible because I've missed him like crazy every single day since 12/21/80. 

So, as I turn 50 this year I'm not overly worried about my health (though I do keep a close eye on it and get ALL my checkups, as I should and I'm not even concerned about my first colonoscopy), or having a mid-life crisis (I don't really believe in those...) and I do not feel 'old' (because I think it's a state of mind and to those always calling themselves old-shut up already). I guess I just wish I was 16 again (and not for the reason YOU think) and was working in the drive-thru at McD's 6-11pm shift with my Dad sitting in the dining room for the last hour of my shift, drinking coffee and reading and waiting for me to get off work so he could follow me home to my Mom's and make sure I was ok. He did that every week, because that was my shift Friday and Saturday nights. He knew I didn't NEED him to be there and follow me, it was just his way of being close to me and spending time...just letting me know he was THERE. And, it's funny to think of as an adult now, but as a teenager it NEVER bothered me, I loved it. I think most teenagers would be like, "Dad really?" Not me, I was so happy he was there...

And while I do feel a bit more wise than I was at 16, I still wish I had my Daddy here to hug me and fix everything. So, to all of you who still have your Dads in your life (my Dad would be 81)-be patient with him as an old man, listen when he tells you stories, spend time with him even if you're busy and know how lucky you are that you don't have to feel like I do-like there's a piece of your heart missing that will never be filled.

I know I'm always going to have moments like this and I know milestone birthdays can be hard-but, honestly, other than missing my Dad a whole lot more, I'm really looking forward to this milestone and I plan to kick 50's ASS!