December is here!

Hi to anyone still reading!
The most wonderful time of the year? For most...honestly not for me.
December 5 today and, well, I've gotten shopping 99% done (just have to regroup this week, see what I have, mail what needs to be sent, etc...) and I just finished making my holiday cookies. It's really nice to be able to stand for that long (rolling out cookie dough, cutting cookies and baking them) without having to sit down. You just do not know how much your life is affected by chronic pain until it's over. And, I'm thankful mine is over-I know many people have no cure, I wish they did.
So, my Dad's passing anniversary is December 21 and, frankly, I've been thinking about it a lot. I know...I should be thinking about holiday cards (have them, just finishing up addressing/sending), decorating (done, except tree which will come after our staff party at our house this weekend)...but it's hard.
I guess it's harder this year because I'm the same age as my Dad when he passed and I cannot even fathom what he must have been thinking. I mean, he was facing death and I cannot think of that without crying. I am ONLY 47 and my Dad was ONLY 47. Back then this age felt so far away, I was only 16...and now that I'm here I still feel young and still feel that I have so much to learn and do and give.
I try and imagine how he must have felt knowing he would be leaving behind my brother and me, how young we were...how much he still probably wanted to teach us, see us accomplish: HS graduations, weddings. He has missed so much of our lives.
As you all know I couldn't have kids, but I do have 2 kids in my life I love beyond reason...Little Mista (age 10) and Little K (aged 15) and while they're not exactly the same age my brother and I were (we were 16 and 13), it's close...too close for me not to think about it.
I think of all the times I wished my Dad was here to advise me, listen to me...all the times a girl needs her Dad's shoulder to cry on that I missed. I think about all the things my brother would have gone through much easier if my Dad was here. I listen to folks say they are going shopping with their Dad or to a ballgame or that Dad is coming over to help paint or fix something...and I'm envious, sometimes even jealous. I miss him so much.
Everyone tells you that you will get 'over' it but you don't. And, I don't think it matters how old your parent is when they pass-I mean, obviously my Dad was really young and we were young when we lost him but many folks get their Dad in their lives until they themselves are in their 60's (with parents in the 80's or 90's) and I think that's wonderful...but I doubt it hurts any less. Maybe it's easier to understand and grasp because, well, if someone passes in the 80's or 90's you can say, "They led a long, wonderful life." Well, I can't say that about my Dad.
I feel like I have so many things left I want to see, experience, do, learn and impart to Little K and Little Mista. I would really like to be like Jackie and Joan (two clients and sisters in law) be heading out to dinner and a movie with Karen when we're in our 70's...I want to move back to SoCal with my husband and buy a little house near the beach and enjoy my home State, which I was taken away from way too young and that I miss very much. I want to go back to being the beach bum I am at heart.
So, I find myself counting the days right now...16 more days. If I only had 16 more days what would I do? Stress about shopping and planning and getting the holiday perfect? Or worrying about the credit card bill for it all? Was that what my Dad was doing? No. I try and remember, it's hard, but I remember him spending time with us. He made us a cassette tape of advice and when he was heading to the hospital (he ultimately had a procedure that didn't work and that's why he passed) he said, "Don't worry, your old Dad will be fine and when I get back we'll go Xmas shopping."
I remember I was going to HS and working at McD's evenings and weekends and I remember everyone asking me how he was doing. (He was in the hospital for a week or so I think...it's hard to remember) I remember the anxiety of worrying about him and hoping and praying and making deals with G-d for him to be alright. Maybe some of those feelings come back every year...now as I think about it, I think they definitely do.
We never got to go shopping. So, to be honest, no...Christmas is not my favorite holiday or time of the year and that's why. And, no, you don't get over it. I never say that to people you might notice because I know you don't and you won't and you shouldn't.
That is your Dad and as any little girl knows (no matter how old you are)...he's the very first prince in your life.
Well, I'm lucky because I did find another special prince in my life-my husband and I wish every day the two of them could have met. They would have been instant besties. And sometimes when Hubs is talking about technology and computers and math...I think, he should really be having this convo with my Dad not me! I think of how my Dad would have helped my husband through his first semester of teaching, I can almost hear him giving tips and them figuring out homework assignments together...they both would have loved it. But, it wasn't in the cards.
So, I would just like Dec. 21 to come...and go. It's funny, it's the day with the LEAST amount of daylight in the entire year and, in this house, it certainly feels that way so it's ironic, don't you think?
And, starting Dec. 22, I live my life, not only for me but in honor of my Dad. He didn't get to live past that day in his 47th year so I want to do somethings, maybe outside my box, that he would love and enjoy and be proud of me for doing. I've already tried to do that but I'm going to double my efforts because I intend to live to be a very, old lady...I'm thinking somewhere in the 107-111 area...because, on that tape of advice, my Dad said he really wanted us to live long, healthy lives-and I have every intention of doing just that.
(Oh and maybe that's another clue for all of you why I push you all so hard-because I never want your families to feel that missing feeling that I have...missing my Dad.)
Alright then...up and onto Dec. 21 and beyond...
Love you Dad.